Bilkish Vahed

The Woman Inside

Author: Bilkish Vahed (page 2 of 9)

A Knight

Me riding a horse in Corfu

“I think you were a knight in a previous lifetime,” my friend Sonja said, looking at a photograph of me on a horse. I felt bubbles of pleasure rise in me. 

Someone had miraculously caught a glimpse of my soul, I felt. Astonishingly seen beyond the mere skin and bones and facts of my being. Someone had gleaned something about me that had no basis in reality, but which nevertheless roused passionate satisfaction in me. 

Yes I’d been a knight, I beamed.

“What rubbish,” an errant voice smirked, “past lives, future lives, continuum of lives, such fashionable nonsense!” 

I’m not particularly interested in the notion of past lives, not curious to definitively declare the idea true or hocus pocus. Not really interested. Nevertheless, at some spot way under my skin, where my idiosyncratic inner logic prevails, Sonja had connected some dots that felt on point to me. And the on pointness was filling me with inexplicable joy.

The Leather Jacket


Iconic element of style – the leather jacket.

There’s nothing quite like soft buttery leather, cut to beautiful proportion, sleekly hugging the body. Nothing like the feeling of soigné power drenching the self. Nothing like the feeling of adventure, open roads, pulsing possibilities. All of this swimming in an exquisitely crafted leather jacket!

The endless open road

Bradley Cooper wearing a leather jacket in watch ad for IWC Schaffhausen.
Bradley Cooper, for IWC Schaffhausen watches, “The Road Less Traveled”
Andreea Deaconu wearing Belstaff leather jacket.
Andreea Deaconu, for Belstaff, photographed by Peter Lindbergh

It’s Broken

It’s Sunday, there’s time.

The week can feel bogged down by clamouring noise and striving. Living, trying to survive and matter in this world, is steeped in relentless clamouring, amidst a battlefield of wailing: 

Hey, look at me, look at what I’m offering, look at what I have to give you. Come my way, come to my blog, my class, my therapy, buy my product, emulate my fabulous life, hook into my big idea. 

The constant brawl of: Look at me and like me, is tiring, and deeply alienating.

Why we do it? It’s the model of the times, I guess. One’s overwhelmed by the sense of, damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. But something here is broken, I’m convinced, broken in a way that we haven’t completely fathomed.


Just stand up and sparkle who you are, I’m thinking.

If some don’t like you, what to do. Not everyone can like you, not all of the time, anyway. Some never. This is good, how agonizingly bland would life be, if everyone liked you all of the time!

Just stand up and sparkle who you are. Nothing less will do. Nothing less will give you a sense of meaning, and pride, and satisfaction in this life.

Chocolate & Bugaboos

Moodily I stuff my mouth with one more piece of chocolate. Dark, luscious velvet smooths my palette, slides easily down my throat. When the last hint of sweetness is no more, I’m left hanging.

Slumping gloominess besets me this evening. 

Nothing’s happened, nothing in particular. Nothing and everything has triggered this hollowness. 

Sit down quietly on the couch, I counsel myself, be still.  But sitting doesn’t turn off the internal prattle: Don’t forget to buy electricity. Don’t want to be caught in blackness now, do you? What was A’s sarcasm about this morning? He’s so slippery, so loud, so hurtful. Must call my mother before it’s too late. Suddenly piercing through the chatter, a bizarre thought takes hold of me with supple clarity.

“You know that feeling of euphoric release,” it says to me, “when after a period of constipation – even just a day – you finally are able to unclog the blockages and let go? You know that feeling of delicious release?”

“Yeeess, “I say suspiciously. 

“Well that’s all that’s needed right now. Just let go.”

Oh no dammit, I think, not that puerile wisdom!

“Let go of what?” I demand.

“Everything. Nothing. The grey clouds. Just let it go.”

“No, no, no, nooooo,” I retort loudly, “fiddlesticks!”

“Yes, yes, yes, just let the bugaboos go.”

“The bugaboos?”

“The bugaboos, the goblins, monsters, vexations, discontents. Look from a different angle. Try it, you may surprise yourself.”

And in that precise moment it envelopes me. A ginormous, roaring, guffaw of laughter comes bellowing all around me, and through me. I don’t know what’s brought it on, how its caught me in its merriment, but I feel a lifting sensation.

Nothing tangible that I’ve let go of, I marvel. Just for a moment was distracted from the days dissatisfactions, and felt the shift in mood. The easing of that tense striving that haunts our modern lives. Not so difficult really!

As for euphoric release? Well, why don’t I let you decide about that!

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2019 Bilkish Vahed

Theme by Anders NorénUp ↑

%d bloggers like this: