Bilkish Vahed

The Woman Inside

Tag: life

Facing the Frontier

When I was 40, and 45, and even 50, I used to think about life as ending at 60. Beyond 60 was a kind of hinterland that I had no thought to consider. Living beyond was a blank.

But now, just two and a half years away from 60, I’m peering into a distance that is no more far flung. I stand at a frontier and I’m watchful. 

In this navigation-less journey, I have no way of assessing how far I’ve come, nor how far I’m meant to go. Go where?

Of late, I’ve been mesmerised and appalled, watching myself in a continual rush. Rushing to get to the office in the morning, rushing to deal with stuff required to meet deadlines, steeling myself against the onslaught of every day dramas that arise because they do. Rushing home at night, tired, sometimes drained, not to relax and rejuvenate, but simply to feed and wash and sleep. Where am I rushing to?

I stand at the frontier, and I’m watchful.

Wobbles & Sparks

If there’s an art to living, then I’ve not got the hang of it. Over five decades of living, and still I wobble and flay and slip slide along – with my share of dark days. Days mired by a feeling of lacklustre mediocrity. Why bother, I ask fruitlessly, feeling like the breathing dead?

Yet often enough, I’m surprised by moments of exquisite lucidity. 

Usually in the morning shower, sudden bursts of energy and ideas and tantalizing desire. I want to do this, I think to myself – I’m going to! I’m going to make that happen and have fun along the way. Then off I am on a new stream of energy, filled with excitement and hope and fresh focus.

If the dark patches did not give way to the new sparks, if the downward curve was not followed by something else, living would be intolerable.

© 2019 Bilkish Vahed

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